la terre de la terreur

huge sigh and, good night. *not really. bad night, shitty night, fucking awful night.

i was never a huge fan of the muppets…i didn’t understand their appeal. but jason segel’s previous work speaks for itself, and i gave the movie a shot. and can i just say, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAILOVEYOUJASONSEGEL

Just had a very strong impression of what it was like to be in Singapore

It made me pause and had an enchanting effect

My eyes zoomed out from the laptop screen and I lost track of everything that was occurring in my present moment and was completely immersed in that strong memory

The feeling of being back there was extremely surreal, and definitely also affected by the strong feeling that I was less than 7 years old again

In terms of concrete images/describable impressions, I was in that one house where we sometimes had CG meetings. The interior involves some sort of cool gray tile and fluorescent lighting, although the effect of the lighting could have been a result of the fact that it was a vague memory. It seems like most memories are lit with fluorescent lighting, like you’re being born into the world again or something. At the very least the lighting is harsh. The moment in time was nonspecific, but I WAS in Singapore again, with my family, with all the people I was with in Singapore. Everything was in place. I felt like a child again, and I had the very distinct impression of all the various thoughts and troubles I had at that age, namely my nervousness that people wouldn’t like me or that I wouldn’t be satisfactory in some way to somebody. So I guess even at that age, in that environment, I already had the potential to become the person I was going to become in America.

I guess I just would have liked to think that, had I stayed in Singapore, I would have continued in my childish confidence, through which I did whatever made me happy and had an extraordinarily vivid imagination that allowed me to live in fantasies. And that coming to America and experiencing extreme culture shock and exclusion is what made me so self-conscious and aware of the feelings and experiences of others. To an extent, yes I do believe feeling very ostracized had something to do with the eventual decline of my self-confidence, but at the same time I think that that evolution also had a lot to do with my natural preference of fantasy to reality. I don’t think reality ever stood a chance of not letting me down. I don’t think people ever stood a chance of not hurting my feelings. Humanity was never meant to keep anyone happy for long.

But, you know. We live for the highs, and the lows only make them more interesting. But even the lows can be tempered if we keep a good mindset and surround ourselves with perspective.

Thoughts and subsequently memories are infinitely complex and interesting.

ahh thanks peter that actually made me feel a lot better and gave me a partial solution to my problem. are you gonna be in e-town this year?

:(……its ok, summer orgo is pretty manageable. plus evanston summers are pretty baller

tokyo-tea:

I like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
I like riding the bus alone, and walking home alone.
It gives me time to think, and set my mind free.

I like eating alone, and listening to music alone.

But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely. The sky is beautiful, but the people are sad. I just need someone who won’t run away.

…guess i’m not taking orgo next quarter. also, guess i’m not qualified to be a doctor. i fucking hate the pre-med system.